Where to start…
I’ve been wanting to write for a while but I just haven’t known where to begin. So I’ll start here… on 11 January 2023 my little boy Rory passed away. The unthinkable… Something I never thought would happen.
I’ve shared little bits here and there on Instagram along with little videos of Rory and how I’ve been muddling my way through this type of motherhood I never thought I’d experience. It will take me a while to share, but give me the time and I’ll get there.
The past 5 months have been the hardest of my life beginning on 31 December when Rory was admitted into hospital while we were on holiday in Florida. Our poor little boy simply appeared to have a cold and then went downhill suddenly overnight at which point we knew something just wasn’t right and got ourselves to the local Children’s Emergency Room. Something has to be said for trusting your instincts. If we had left it any longer then Rory wouldn’t have made it to hospital as he had gone into septic shock. He fought for 12 days but unfortunately our little boy passed away in our arms at 9:11pm on Wednesday 11 January.
Being abroad was anything but ideal but our family travelled to be with us and we were surrounded by so much support.
Life has been a rollercoaster ever since that fateful day. I’ve been called strong and brave countless times, but to be honest I feel anything but this. To me, I have no option but to carry on.
Now I’ve finally started sharing, I’ll try my best to keep it up. This blog has been very neglected but I plan to use it as a way to help me through this time and also to help others. Although we’ve received so much love and support from family, friends and even strangers, child loss is very isolating and to me, one of the worst things anyone can go through. I want to be able to help others feel less alone by sharing what I’m going through (feelings, thoughts and all).
Child loss is traumatic, whatever age your child was. I’ve connected with other mothers who have lost their babies and children of varying ages and I’m so glad I’ve been able to. This is the worst club to be part of but being able to connect and share is helping very slowly.
I often find myself back in that hospital unable to leave Rory’s room. For months I found it hard to ground myself, to look past those last 12 days of Rory’s life but I’m slowly able to find some joy in looking back over old videos and photos. I’m never going to recover from the death of my baby and I’m going to have to learn to live with it. But day but day, I’m trying to put one foot in front of the other.